Break Free From Childhood Conditioning

I have been observing my thoughts.

My childhood, abundance, finances, negative mindset, fear of the future.

I thought about how my upbringing shaped my adult life. It is in some ways still an influence, even now in my 40`s.

That got me thinking to other areas of my life and I think back to the last few years. I take comfort knowing I have been doing a lot of work at undoing it all.

I am becoming more aware of when I am falling into an old mindset. A few times, I was able to stop and correct myself in time.

I think about my life now.

I have noticed when I need to make a big decision, I fall back almost instantly into an old thought pattern.

I am in a state of worry, fear, fight or flight. What do I need, What do I want, why can’t I have, etc.., why is nothing working out. Woe is me and playing the victim.

The worst part is why I am unable to make up my mind or make a decision. I run around in circles of indecisiveness.

Fear plays on my mind too. Growing up, to make a decision came loaded with what-ifs. You make this decision. Then comes; what happens if this goes wrong or that goes wrong? I prepare for a worst-case scenario all the time.

It is ruthless and exhausting. To be stuck in fear and indecisiveness. Not feeling alive, just living for the next decision, probably.

It does not make me happy at all. It sends me into a spiral of anxiety and then depression. I fall into a pile of hopelessness. I search for a distraction to avoid what is eventuating.

It takes a lot of willpower. I practice mindfulness, spend time in meditation to develop a positive thought pattern. The worrying thoughts drip through, I try not to draw attention to them.

My biggest challenge lately has been my lack mindset. It comes from a void I am trying to fill.

I have a feeling of emptiness within me. My high standards keep me reaching for things outside of me. Nothing ever good enough is on repeat. A mountain of outdated beliefs keep building.

I discovered it was that mountain that I adopted from my parents. And the generations before them.

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